Well, today started out like absolute crap. Seriously, I'm not going to sugar coat it. I woke up feeling decently okay and excited for all I had planned today. I was going to go shopping, go to the gym, and also had a meeting with my school advisor to see about going back to school within the near future. I'd taken a year off due to mental health, and it worked out in my favor due to the POTS diagnosis as well as my pancreatitic issues.
However, if there's one thing I cannot stand, it is change. I'm very, very bad with change, even the slightest bit of change sets me off. Then on the opposite end of things, sometimes change doesn't bother me. The mind is a fickle thing, let me tell you!
My dad informed me this morning that I had to be home by 3:30 so we could take the other car into the shop. Well, the issue I took up with this was that I had planned to be out PAST 3:30 and stay in town to go to the gym with my friend. I'd had everything planned out, and now I couldn't do any of that. I had my appointment at 2 PM and it was already 12 PM. There was no way I'd have time to go to shop then to my meeting. So I was already in a bad place with this today, and this bad day had been coming. I saw it far off on the horizon early this week. I'd started to fall lower and lower due to little things happening as well as my trouble accepting being disabled.
I did my best, however, to remain positive as always. I'm literally a ball of sunshine a majority of the time and even when I'm down myself, I am always worrying about others instead. I do not like letting myself get low, because who likes feeling down in the dumps?
This worked for awhile, in all honesty. I took myself to lunch using money I don't really have to spend, but I knew I needed to do something to keep myself positive as well as get out of the house. Otherwise, well... There would be some rather unfortunate pillows who would go without their innards of fluff.
Realizing I didn't have enough time to do anything else, I just took myself straight to the college and hung out in the parking lot for half an hour on my phone. The time finally came to go inside and the meeting was honestly a big success.
We finally figured out what to do for me! I'd always struggled with schooling, and being in a school environment just doesn't work for me. I love people, yet I can't stand being around them. Once again, the MIND IS A FICKLE THING. (Rosie POTSy is a curious cat... If you offer me pheasant, I'd rather have grouse).
We realized online school is the best option, and we finally came up with a degree that seems perfect to me: B.S. in Social Work!
I'll also be learning ASL (American Sign Language) on the side, in hopes of using this in my job as well. I want to be licensed in this, to be able to help interpret. So I'm actually working on that right now, as I found a GLORIOUS website called ASLU, which has the basics you need to communicate FREE. This man is a professor in Sacramento I believe, and he is deaf. He thinks there should be resources available online for those who need to communicate with someone who is deaf or hard of hearing, without having to pay for it. I fully agree, because language should be free.
Anyways, getting slightly off topic.
This was all great and I was on a high, I called my mom and she'd had a bad day... I said I was pissed so she'd know I wasn't in a good mood, but she said she was too then we just hung up. This kind of pushed me over the edge and I just broke down on the way home. Many things had led up to this (my diagnosis, mental health, feeling hopeless, my grandparents ignoring me the last time they were here in favor of my college bound sisters, and many more things). I should have seen it coming and I think I did, but I didn't prepare myself for it.
I came home to find my mom sitting at the table with the box of chocolates my sisters and I got her for mother's day, and she offered me one. I took it, and she started to ask me about why I'd had a bad day. I started to tell her, and once again broke down. She ended up staying home with me tonight, for a mommy/daughter day while my sisters and dad went off to their Karate lesson.
It really helped me, I was able to talk with my mom and share the information about college. We figured out my best course of action really would be doing it online and I got more excited. It took me a few hours of being down to realize that you really do need to focus on the achievements rather than the things you have yet to achieve. Just because you haven't done it yet, doesn't mean you can't. Can't is just a word and honestly, there is only one person who is stopping you... And that's YOU. Harsh words, yes, but it's the truth! If you want something? DO IT. You may have to adapt it, to fit your personal needs, but there is nothing stopping you. It took me a long time to realize this, and I'm really starting to learn.
I was going to quote Yoda's famous "Do or do not, there is no try", but honestly, I don't think I agree with that logic. You CAN try, and if you fail? That's only a part of life. You'll learn from it, and be able to know how to do better next time. Don't let your failures and misfortunes keep you down. Focus on the positives! Remember, after a storm, there is always sun, so let it in and brighten up your dreary day! You'll find that a little bit of light will ALWAYS get rid of the darkness.
That's it for now, I have to go off to start working on my ASL for a bit before I get up earlier tomorrow. The grandparents were 'yelled at' by my father (their son) to tell them how much it effected me. They want to come down again to spend some quality time with me. I understand they want to make it up to me, but I just wish they'd apologize and leave it at that. It'll make me feel a bit guilty but working on feeling better about these things is a battle for another day. As Jordin Sparks' song says, "One step at a time, there's no need to rush, like learning to fly, or falling in love."
So until next time! I hope you all are well, and enjoy what's left of your Friday night!
- Rosie
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