I know, I've not posted here in awhile, and I was going to try to do a daily account of living with chronic illness but I found it is an unrealistic expectation. I should have known, but I was too excited getting this started. I was going to TRY to keep this regular, but now I'm thinking it's going to be whenever I'm able to update. Maybe someday I'll be able to do it on a mostly regular basis, but we'll see!
So, UPDATES!
I applied to transfer to another school.
I'm freaking out about this, because I have a very strong feeling I won't get in due to how horrible my grades were first year in college. I sort of flipped out and stopped going for awhile in the last semester. I got very depressed and was struggling with my emotions due to the reality setting in that my sisters really were a lot smarter than me. They are graduating this year at age 16. I'm proud now, but when I was struggling in my first year of college, taking remedial courses due to my inability to remember what I learn... I got VERY low. I realized, however, that the only one who let myself get that far down was me. That meant, of course, that I was the only one who could pull me up. I am my own life jacket! (This is totally deja vu, because I realize now I used these similar words in my essay on my college app).
I've now started taking life in a positive way, despite all the troubles that have been thrown at me. I won't let myself get down like that again, and I will continue to smile even when I'm struggling inside. I read somewhere once that if you make yourself smile, it cheers you up. When I was depressed in the past, I'd always pout and sulk in my room, bawling on and off. I'd never smile. Now I try to force myself, and I've been happier because of it. Not to say I don't get my low days... I know that if I don't get into this college, I will be upset for awhile and think of myself as a failure even if I have back up plans that are mostly guaranteed. It's just difficult to deal with negative emotions when you suffer from mental illness on top of having been hit with a disabling condition.
Whatever comes, will come and I'll embrace it even when I'm sad. I will make my life bright, even though it already is.
I've started working on my 'religious practice'.
Now, let me start off by saying this is by no means preaching. I do not like when others try to force their beliefs down your throat, or talk about it all the time to the point that it gets over done. I am not against any religion at all. I like to say I don't care about religion/same sex love/etc. because I think saying tolerant isn't a great way to express feelings towards another's personal beliefs or lifestyles. It's not my life, after all, and it doesn't affect me. I say I don't care, because I personally think we shouldn't care. If someone wants to worship the One-Eyed, One-Horned Flying Purple People-Eater then I really don't care. If it makes them happy, then I say go for it! As long as it doesn't harm others, I don't care what you believe. I'm very supportive of this sort of thing. But I'm not preaching. I'm just trying to explain my point of view and to explain my own beliefs slightly just to give an understanding of where I'm coming from, as it might show up slightly in other posts. Just to show why I might do certain things or feel certain ways. This is only for educational purposes about myself, and nothing more.
Anyways! I'm sorry for getting a bit serious there and somewhat ranting. I personally practice 'neo-paganism'. I don't really call it anything, as I don't do anything organized or specific. It's not something I do well with personally, so I've made my own practice based on my own beliefs. More or less, I work with the Norse God Loki and I also do work with nature as well as nature's spirits. I try to be down to earth, and I'm very caring about life as well as others. I go out of my way to be kind. Now, I'm not perfect so I get upset with others like anyone else and don't care for some individuals, but I do my absolute best to keep positive. I don't want to get too much into this, as I said, this is merely to explain my person beliefs in case I bring something up later. I love to be outside and do things out in nature.
It is also to show that this is one of my ways to deal with my problems. It really helps for me personally, to have something I can do and work with/believe in to grant me strength to carry on each day. It's very empowering to me, due to the fact that most paganism/wicca/what-have-you is all about self empowerment and self confidence. It really helps me, but that doesn't mean it has to help you. It keeps me grounded and keeps me thinking that everything will work out.
Enough about that, however. I don't like talking too much about this sort of thing, as it usually results in too much negativity and I would rather avoid that with my blog.
It's almost summer, and it's getting hotter.
In other news, I just went shopping the other day for new clothes as well as went out to lunch with my mother. It was a wonderful day, and I was able to get a lot of cute things! I'm not sure if I said, but my style is very vintage-modern. I LOVE the 50's style of clothing. I have an A-Line dress that is actually from the 50s and I LOVE it. I hemmed it a bit to make it better for modern times, and I usually wear other things with it to keep it closer to this time period. I don't like looking like I'm wearing a costume. I do my make up like their old pin-up girl style as well. Mostly natural eye color and eyebrows with the tailed eyeliner, then bright red lips. I have different shades of lipstick I use, either bright red, dark red, a more natural red, and then also this pinkish-gold color that's really pretty.
I was able to get this amazing polka dotted skirt that day as well as some nice shirts. I also got some cami tanks to wear under shirts to use for basic wardrobes. Then, of course, some shorts. I really wanted to get something more vintage-y but my tummy's a bit bigger than I'd like it to be, and that made finding those shorts a bit harder. I have such an awkward body shape, it's almost impossible to find bottoms that fit me. Haha. Oh, well! Everyone's different, and I still think I'm hella beautiful (it's okay to be egotistic about your looks. It's called self confidence! Just don't go rubbing it in other people's faces, and we'll be fine).
I'm glad to finally have clothes that fit me for the summer. It's been really hot recently and I can't keep wearing my dresses. They're cute and all, but a girl's gotta have variety!
I've started cooking again.
It's been a long time since I've felt okay enough to keep cooking on a daily basis. I was finally able to do it a few times this week. Not as much as I used to, of course, but still more so than recently. I've had some recipes on my pinterest that I've been wanting to do, and I finally tried two today!
One was cauliflower crust for pizza and that... Didn't fail, but I learned that I don't like cauliflower. I almost puked. I don't handle foods I don't like well, and this was just disgusting to me. I'm sorry to all of you who like it, but it's not for me!
The other recipe I tried tonight, however, was the complete opposite. It was absolutely DELICIOUS! I've had one heck of a time making crispy chicken from scratch due to having to be Gluten Free, but I was finally able to find something that worked amazingly. I made sesame chicken and it was breaded but it used gluten free cereal instead. I used corn chex but the recipe calls for corn flakes. We didn't have any of those, of course, so I had to improvise but it worked just the same! Couldn't have been tastier! I will definitely be making that again! And I hope to have this much energy to keep cooking.
I was even able to clean my room today! Granted, a few times while cooking and cleaning, my heart got a bit crazy but that's to be expected.
Well, that carried on a lot more than I thought it would.
This was a bit rambly of a post and it got away from me. Again. But hopefully it was a decent read. I'll be doing my best to keep this updated, but I'm very stressed and nervous at the moment over whether or not I'll get into that college. We'll see soon enough. They said you'd know in a week or two, seeing as how it's a transfer. I'm hoping it'll be positive, but I'm thinking not with how late in the year it was. Either way, I feel as though I'm on the right track.
So, talk to you later! And I bid you adieu!
Well wishes,
Rosie
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