If what happened with my dad and the earlier stressors that week weren't enough to push me over the edge; what happened Sunday night was enough to do so. I enjoy roleplaying online, roleplaying as in creative writing with a partner. It is an incredibly therapeutic thing for me and regular writing just doesn't do the trick. I need that back and forth so I feel like I'm not alone; like I'm doing something fun with someone else and don't know what's going to happen next in a way that I'm included with the plotline instead of simply following along.
I have a very good friend that I would do this with and while we were only RPing for a few months it felt like longer because we clicked really well. Through out our time roleplaying together they had promised they'd never abandon me and never drop our roleplays. I told them not to promise that because it always seems to happen (I've lost quite a few RPs within the past few weeks which was disheartening but not as much so as this). Sunday night they log on and tell me they've got some bad news. They won't have internet anymore and don't know when they'll get it back.
Now, I know this isn't their fault but when you're stressed and depressed your brain feels like it's revved up on sugar and begins to obsess while ideas of why this is happening begins to bounce off the walls of your mind.
I lost it. That's really the best way to put it. I've been through so much this past year that this was apparently the final straw. I broke down, hyperventilating and blubbering like a whale because my brain just couldn't take another break like this. I cried and cried and cried. I kept asking myself why? Why did I deserve all of this? What have I EVER done that warranted being punished so much? It's not enough that I'm still in mourning about losing my previous self to chronic illness, almost got in trouble with my job, suffer at home with a roommate that is really mean to me, and have a dad that gets angry with me so quickly. No, no. Now I had to lose one of the only reliable friends I have online who offered me many hours of enjoyment and distraction from the swirling vortex of a mess that is my life.
I couldn't and still can't comprehend why this is happening to me. I don't think I ever will or if there's even an answer. They say that you're only given what you can handle and I have to say I must be viewed very powerful in the eyes of the higher powers if this is what they keep throwing my way.
I've never realized just how terrible depression can actually be when you deal with it on a continuous basis. I've been stuck in limb the past week: My brain and my body can't make up its mind about whether I want to cry and be sad or just... Numb. I've been going through the motions all the while feeling like I'm stuck on this gigantic bean bag that's putting weight on every ounce of my body. I can feel the pressure of my sadness all over me. Then there's the crying over the little things and then crying for no reason. It's like I'm an emotional drunk but instead of liquor I'm intoxicated with my despair and feeling of hopelessness.
I'm watching the world go by and even though it's been gorgeous outside I just feel like I can see this haze floating around my eyes. My mind knows it's beautiful but I'm just not seeing it in that way.
Mental illness is just so hard to explain to someone else and I'm trying not to talk to anyone about it as I hate putting my problems onto other people. I have to wait and share this with my therapist because she won't be back for another two weeks.
I'm used to putting on a brave face, though. It's what I do on a daily basis. I just wish that I didn't have to pretend to be happy anymore. I want to find something that brings me genuine joy but I've yet to find it. For now; I've taken up the art of calligraphy in hopes of finding a hobby I can immerse myself in and occupy my time with.
I can now sympathize with the Whos of Whoville - I feel like I'm simply a dust speck floating around the air, wondering how and why I'm feeling the way that I do as well as when it's going to get better. Maybe I'll go listen to that song now... The Seussical is such an awesome musical but I digress.
This was more so a venting session for me to get some stuff off my chest and nothing really meant to be enjoyed by others.
Here's to hoping happiness arrives soon~
xoxo
- Rosie
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