I didn't really want to talk about this but I'm feeling like I should because it might be therapeutic for me. It's not something that anyone really wants to read about or to think about but if someone does decide to take a peek at this then I hope it's an enlightening experience. I'm going to be splitting it up to make it easier to read.
I suffer from depression/Bipolar - At least, that's what we think. I'm one of those lucky ducks that doesn't fit into a specific category. So for simplicity's sake we'll just say I can get incredibly moody sometimes though I've got a pretty great control of it compared to my years as a child.
Anytime I suffer a depressive episode it's never anything too huge and I pretty much bounce back shortly after it starts.
Well, this time's a bit different. It started on Saturday the 25th and it hasn't stopped. I don't think I can remember a time when I've been subsequently depressed over the course of a few days. To be honest; I'm not even sure if I've ever experienced a prolonged episode of mopiness.
It was triggered earlier in the week but I kept my head high as I was actually feeling pretty good despite the stressors I had experienced. First of all I was told I couldn't get funding from DVR (Department for Vocational Rehabilitation) because my parents make too much. I'd been told before that they could pay for part of my tuition with school and we'd been holding out hope for it. I was kind of expecting that so it wasn't too big of a deal. Pretty stress inducing because I knew I wouldn't get free money but still nothing I couldn't handle.
Then I found out a roommate who has been nothing but cruel to me and the reason I almost flunked out of college my first semester at this school (they made me incredibly uncomfortable in my own house and I was so anxious anytime I left my room) was actually going to be staying in the house and not getting evicted like we'd been told originally. Still -- I was proud of myself because I held my head high and knew this would have usually sent me spiraling down into the pit of despair.
It wasn't until Saturday when I went home for the weekend that things got out of hand. As I've mentioned before, my father is... Not always the nicest person and I have a lot of problems with my self esteem and mood because of him. As I've mentioned prior to this for anyone who has read, he does not like spending money on medical needs.
We ended up getting me an MRI earlier this summer to ensure my headaches weren't anything serious and we got the bill that day. His mood immediately went from happy and carefree to "I'm the God-Damned Big, Bad Wolf and I'm going to blow your mother fucking house down" in a matter of seconds. Immediately he began to indirectly ram into me and I knew it was directed towards me even if he didn't say it. It was clear in his tone and how he carried himself.
"How are we even going to pay for this now? No pedicures today. (Mom interjected to say she had the whole day planned out and it wasn't a problem.) NO, we aren't going. We don't have the money for fun spending anymore. We're done and we've only got $1,000 dollars in the savings account so after that we're fucked."
I don't remember too much because I honestly think my mind went elsewhere in that moment and I ran upstairs to the bathroom so I could get ready to go on the errands we were running but also to cry in private. It wasn't until later that I found out my mom had tried to get my dad to apologize and he said no.
Of course I didn't handle this well. The man has always told me that I'm selfish, never going to amount to anything and once was so bold to tell me "I didn't think you'd ever have a job" because he thought that was the right way to tell me he was proud of me. I tried my best to stay okay after this but it was too hard. I was too far gone by that point and what happened next didn't help matters at all.
To Be Continued in Next Post
~ Rosie
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