Dear Body,
We've known each other for a very long time... 21 years, actually. I think this is the longest relationship I've ever had, where I've been this close to someone. We have had so much fun together and have spent a lot of time getting to know how the other works over years. We've been through a lot of rough times too, but you were always there to support me through them and bounce back like nothing happened. As you know, something drastic changed about one and a half years ago now that has really caused me a lot of trouble.
You decided you wanted to get sick.
Now, I don't know what possessed you to do so nor do I know why other bodies decide to fall ill but I wanted to tell you that I was really mad at you because you did. I spent a long time grieving our past relationship and all the fun we would have together. Like going hiking all the time or bowling with friends! Those will be memories we'll always have to cherish and memories that I mourned. I was angry that we couldn't dance anymore, that we could no longer go for walks because we enjoyed them and that we can no longer eat our favorite foods together.
Even as I'm writing this I can feel my eyes welling with tears because I know that our relationship has suffered a big blow and that we won't be able to share in the same experiences we once did. Our relationship will never be the same as it used to be. Everything has changed between us and it's been hard for me to accept it. I'm still struggling to embrace this concept, so I can learn to start taking proper care of you again because I hate to see you suffering just as I am. I'm too stubborn to take care of you, because I never wanted to admit that something was wrong in the first place.
But that's not why I'm writing to you. I don't want to dwell on what used to be because that's in the past. I wanted to write and tell you that I forgive you.
I forgive you for getting sick and now I need to work on forgiving myself for hating you for such a big betrayal. I realized it may not be your fault, and that something else might have happened to make you this way. I don't think we'll ever really know what caused you to change so much but I do know that I still love you just as I did before and no matter what we go through together that will never change. I want us to embrace these new differences and learn how to work together, to accept our new-found limitations and find ways to counter them so your illnesses don't control how we work together as a team. I want us to continue reaching for our goals even though we will encounter quite a few rough patches. I want us to overcome these illnesses together and find ways to come out even stronger.
I have started to learn that what has happened to you is out of my control and that it's not right for me to hate you because you're not the same as you used to be. I have to love you as you are and embrace the new relationship we will continue to forge. I'm starting to see our struggles as life lessons and while there will still be a lot of days where I'm going to cry and scream at you for not working the way I think you should; I can at least begin my process of healing so I can help you heal too.
We're both in this together and I'm sorry that I didn't start to realize it until now. We'll come out on top; we always do.
I love you and I promise we'll get through our hardships hand in hand. Things will get better the more we work together. I swear it!
Thank you for still being there for me.
Love,
Rosie
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