Attention: This is a rant!

So, I don't normally do anything like this (rant, that is), but I really need to. My dad was tolerable recently but he's snapped back to his usual, asshole-ish ways. He doesn't understand chronic illness or illness that's invisible, so I'm sure those of you who have this happen often can totally relate to what I'm about to talk about.

So, I'm taking a class that is literally about 45-50 minutes away and it is twice a week. I was doing really well at first, and was really excited (still am) but with all that is going on with our neighbor/family friend in the hospital still and this God-awful heat, I'm just suffering with my POTS more so than usual (our neighbor isn't awake yet, by the way, it's been two weeks. We keep getting good signs, and she smiled at her daughter, but then we go with days of no response. It's been hard for everyone).

Because we were told last week, she might not wake up (now we aren't sure, they just switched to using the term 'if' instead of 'when'), I freaked out. I don't handle this sort of thing well at all, probably a lot worse than the average person due to my anxiety I have. As you can imagine, my POTS symptoms went crazy spastic and I wanted to cry. I talked with my instructor, and she said just to keep her updated and that missing the class last week wouldn't count against me for which I'm thankful. I still need to contact her to let her know I can't be there tonight.

I also have to do my own grocery shopping now, because my parents (while I do appreciate them shopping for me), would always take creative liberty with the things I asked for, getting something else instead that is different than what I asked for because it was 'close enough'. I can't eat certain things due to my health, and they don't do the best job with getting Gluten Free for me either, so I had to take over this. I am also doing volunteer work for an hour in the morning, which takes a lot out of me. Based on the spoon theory, I go through A LOT of spoons in the morning, and today I just went through them all.

The past few days, I've had a HORRIBLE headache. This heat and stress is just piling up, and I even have a huge knot in my neck that needs to be worked out. I feel sick and miserable, and after having to go grocery shopping tonight as well as to other places for my siblings, I just couldn't get myself to drive another 50 minutes to go to a class for a few hours, then drive home. I don't think it'd be safe for me to do so either, as I've passed out driving when I get this bad.

I get home, feeling proud of myself for keeping my groceries within 50 dollars given that I have to eat gluten free, and that I was able to coupon as well. I was elated, but my dad just had to stomp all of that.

I start putting groceries away, obviously in a daze because of my headache and POTS symptoms (I think I'm a little dehydrated too), and I hear him go, "You better hurry if you don't want to be late to your class".

I have explained COUNTLESS of times, to him, that I don't like being told to do things. I understand he means well, but he doesn't act like it. He gets incredibly rude and bossy as well as act like a child when he thinks he's being disrespected. I don't want to be reminded to go to a class when I'm an adult, and know how to handle myself. On top of that, I'd already told them that I probably couldn't go today because I had to get food and my head was really hurting.

So I had to explain again, I'm not going, I'm going back Wednesday because I've done too much today. I feel terrible, to which he replies, "This is the third class you've missed. I didn't pay all that money just so you could skip class".

This makes me want to cry and I somewhat snapped at him, which made him shut up. I said, "I didn't ask to get sick, I didn't ask to get a headache. It's not my choice." I have to wonder how many others end up saying this when they get frustrated with someone? Because it is true. You do get to choose what you do in a day, yes, but you didn't ask for this illness. Who would want it? I had to choose buying food because I had no food in the house for me to eat and no other time to go shopping for it. Food > Class was what I went with. You have to weigh your options when you suffer from chronic illness, and decide what's best for that day. I know now, that driving 50 minutes away for a class is too much for me, and I won't be doing it again even though I really want to take the second class. I know my limits, and I'm still learning them. It's going to be trial and error, but I get too upset over it because my dad doesn't realize how much this takes a toll on me.

He is one to talk, though, because when he gets home from running errands (and he has NO chronic illness), all he wants to do is plop himself down in front of an electronic and ignore all the other plans he'd had made that night (which usually isn't anything, because he doesn't really have a social life). He will tell my mom and the rest of us that he's too tired to do anything for us, and needs to relax. He doesn't do anything around the house except work a job he hates from home, while playing on the computer the entire time. This bothers me immensely. I used to work and go out for that job, I would go to school (and am going back to school this fall), I have a chronic illness that makes it hard for me to do things, and yet, he sits there claiming he's 'too exhausted' to even take the dogs out to use the restroom? He makes us do that, even though he's already right there. He calls us from all the way upstairs, to come down and let them out for him when he's sitting playing his game.

I cannot stand this. I do more around this house than he does, and I try to do it too, even when I have an illness preventing me from doing so. He has no excuse and I don't appreciate how he treats me because of my illness. He tries to say that I have nothing to compare to him, because he works all day, and all I do is sit around the house doing nothing. I have an ILLNESS. I sit around because I can't do much else! Do you think I really want to sit in my room all day? I want to go out with friends! But I have to cancel or leave early at times, because I'll be in too much pain or too tired to continue on with what we're doing. He has nothing to compare to me, because I've also worked shitty and stressful jobs that I hated just as much as he hates this one. He thinks that because he's the older adult and the 'breadwinner' he gets to act like a King and be treated like one.

My mom is at least understanding of my limitations and asks me first if I can do something rather than tell me. I do what I can around the house, when I'm able to, and that's all you can ask of me. I just want him to learn and respect that I do have limitations, and he can't get upset with me for having them.

I suppose that's the end of that rant for today, I don't really like complaining or being mean/rude about other people, but I needed to get this off of my chest.

I hope you all are doing well, and are enjoying the summer weather!

- Rosie