Okay, so... This is probably not going to be a super fun post. Fair warning, but I do owe an explanation to my vanishing. I don't think I ever published on here, but I think the only people who actually look at this are my Tumblr followers.
First things first, I moved out! I thought it'd be amazing, to have all this freedom... And don't get me wrong, it really is, but I think this has just added to my depression given how creepy my roommate is. He won't talk to me about himself, I was told an age that he was but it turns out he's A LOT older and he avoids speaking about himself. I don't know his real name or anything about him, other than his major and some little things that don't mean anything. So, I've been staying at home with my parents again this week, after only moving out last weekend.
So that's why I've been really busy, having to get everything together with this and making sure all my school stuff is in order.
I also got promoted to being a moderator on a forum that I absolutely love so I've been busy with that too.
However... This isn't the full truth. The truth is... I let myself get low again. I was struggling with whether or not to share this because in all of my posts I'm always upbeat and positive. I was going to sound like a hypocrite, especially after saying that I wasn't going to let myself get this low again. And in all honesty, this isn't as low as the first time I let myself get down.
But I thought about it, and realized... I have mental illness. I suffer from depression, it's normal to get low. You can do everything within your power to try and stay happy, stay above the dark waters but sometimes it just doesn't help and that's why it's called an illness.
I realized that I wasn't happy with how things are going, and while I'm happier with them now, I'm still depressed because I realized I don't have anyone here that I can really count on. I have my family, yes, but even just being back home this week I've been getting upset again because my dad doesn't treat me with respect. I don't feel like my new house is actually home yet, and I know that will take awhile but it's not helping matters.
It also doesn't help that I have no car and my job doesn't start until September so I have no money to be able to go out and do anything. My house has internet, but that is honestly the ONLY thing that I have there. I have my new parrot, who I just adopted after my beloved best friend (my cockatiel) passed away about a month or so ago. He was my therapy and losing him was incredibly devastating. I thought him invincible, like we do any animal family member. I didn't expect him to go so soon, and it really hit me hard.
I also have people I know online, but only one of them has proven to be a genuine friend. Everyone else makes me feel like I'm just there for when they want me or need me, because anytime I need them, it doesn't seem to matter. They just disappear and leave me, without so much as a good bye and that hurts. I already struggle with self confidence and feeling like I'm worth something, to not even receive a 'be back later' when in the middle of a conversation when someone decides to leave, just makes me feel like absolute crap.
But not having anything to do, or to act as a distraction, really lets me be alone with my thoughts which is something I try to avoid constantly because I get into this vicious cycle of down talking myself and making myself think that I'm some horrible person that no one wants anything to do with. I know this isn't true deep down, but at the same time, it honestly feels like it is. I can't keep friends, no matter how hard I try, but I suppose that's where the Asperger's comes in.
Last night, I did some thinking because I was alone again with nothing to do, and I realized some things.
One in particular is my food addiction, and why I keep eating Gluten even though it makes me sick and miserable. I feel alone and I feel like I hate myself, so I keep eating things that I know will make me sick and just eat to fill this empty void I feel. I just want to feel 'full' of something, even if it makes me sick to my stomach because I eat so much.
I also realized, I need to find a hobby that will allow me to be occupied when no one is able to talk to me (which seems like it's a daily occurrence. I thought friends were supposed to want to talk to you?), because otherwise I'm going to end up driving myself insane.
I also want to add, that I'm by no means suicidal nor am I a self-harmer. I don't want anyone to grow concerned, if you're reading this. I've never been the type to get to that point and I'm thankful I never will.
But just because I'm not there, doesn't mean I'm not suffering from depression or feeling really down.
I'm working on trying to build myself up again, my mom told me to take it a day at a time and I'm doing my best to do so. I just wish that I had more people helping me through this, so I wouldn't feel so incredibly alone.
So that's why I've been gone, I'm working on trying to come back and getting my mind into gear but it's been difficult with all of this change.
I hope you can all understand.
Thank you, and I hope you all are well,
Rosie xoxo
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