If what happened with my dad and the earlier stressors that week weren't enough to push me over the edge; what happened Sunday night was enough to do so. I enjoy roleplaying online, roleplaying as in creative writing with a partner. It is an incredibly therapeutic thing for me and regular writing just doesn't do the trick. I need that back and forth so I feel like I'm not alone; like I'm doing something fun with someone else and don't know what's going to happen next in a way that I'm included with the plotline instead of simply following along.
I have a very good friend that I would do this with and while we were only RPing for a few months it felt like longer because we clicked really well. Through out our time roleplaying together they had promised they'd never abandon me and never drop our roleplays. I told them not to promise that because it always seems to happen (I've lost quite a few RPs within the past few weeks which was disheartening but not as much so as this). Sunday night they log on and tell me they've got some bad news. They won't have internet anymore and don't know when they'll get it back.
Now, I know this isn't their fault but when you're stressed and depressed your brain feels like it's revved up on sugar and begins to obsess while ideas of why this is happening begins to bounce off the walls of your mind.
I lost it. That's really the best way to put it. I've been through so much this past year that this was apparently the final straw. I broke down, hyperventilating and blubbering like a whale because my brain just couldn't take another break like this. I cried and cried and cried. I kept asking myself why? Why did I deserve all of this? What have I EVER done that warranted being punished so much? It's not enough that I'm still in mourning about losing my previous self to chronic illness, almost got in trouble with my job, suffer at home with a roommate that is really mean to me, and have a dad that gets angry with me so quickly. No, no. Now I had to lose one of the only reliable friends I have online who offered me many hours of enjoyment and distraction from the swirling vortex of a mess that is my life.
I couldn't and still can't comprehend why this is happening to me. I don't think I ever will or if there's even an answer. They say that you're only given what you can handle and I have to say I must be viewed very powerful in the eyes of the higher powers if this is what they keep throwing my way.
I've never realized just how terrible depression can actually be when you deal with it on a continuous basis. I've been stuck in limb the past week: My brain and my body can't make up its mind about whether I want to cry and be sad or just... Numb. I've been going through the motions all the while feeling like I'm stuck on this gigantic bean bag that's putting weight on every ounce of my body. I can feel the pressure of my sadness all over me. Then there's the crying over the little things and then crying for no reason. It's like I'm an emotional drunk but instead of liquor I'm intoxicated with my despair and feeling of hopelessness.
I'm watching the world go by and even though it's been gorgeous outside I just feel like I can see this haze floating around my eyes. My mind knows it's beautiful but I'm just not seeing it in that way.
Mental illness is just so hard to explain to someone else and I'm trying not to talk to anyone about it as I hate putting my problems onto other people. I have to wait and share this with my therapist because she won't be back for another two weeks.
I'm used to putting on a brave face, though. It's what I do on a daily basis. I just wish that I didn't have to pretend to be happy anymore. I want to find something that brings me genuine joy but I've yet to find it. For now; I've taken up the art of calligraphy in hopes of finding a hobby I can immerse myself in and occupy my time with.
I can now sympathize with the Whos of Whoville - I feel like I'm simply a dust speck floating around the air, wondering how and why I'm feeling the way that I do as well as when it's going to get better. Maybe I'll go listen to that song now... The Seussical is such an awesome musical but I digress.
This was more so a venting session for me to get some stuff off my chest and nothing really meant to be enjoyed by others.
Here's to hoping happiness arrives soon~
xoxo
- Rosie
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Drowning in the Dark Abyss that is My Mind Pt. 1 - Trigger Warning
I didn't really want to talk about this but I'm feeling like I should because it might be therapeutic for me. It's not something that anyone really wants to read about or to think about but if someone does decide to take a peek at this then I hope it's an enlightening experience. I'm going to be splitting it up to make it easier to read.
I suffer from depression/Bipolar - At least, that's what we think. I'm one of those lucky ducks that doesn't fit into a specific category. So for simplicity's sake we'll just say I can get incredibly moody sometimes though I've got a pretty great control of it compared to my years as a child.
Anytime I suffer a depressive episode it's never anything too huge and I pretty much bounce back shortly after it starts.
Well, this time's a bit different. It started on Saturday the 25th and it hasn't stopped. I don't think I can remember a time when I've been subsequently depressed over the course of a few days. To be honest; I'm not even sure if I've ever experienced a prolonged episode of mopiness.
It was triggered earlier in the week but I kept my head high as I was actually feeling pretty good despite the stressors I had experienced. First of all I was told I couldn't get funding from DVR (Department for Vocational Rehabilitation) because my parents make too much. I'd been told before that they could pay for part of my tuition with school and we'd been holding out hope for it. I was kind of expecting that so it wasn't too big of a deal. Pretty stress inducing because I knew I wouldn't get free money but still nothing I couldn't handle.
Then I found out a roommate who has been nothing but cruel to me and the reason I almost flunked out of college my first semester at this school (they made me incredibly uncomfortable in my own house and I was so anxious anytime I left my room) was actually going to be staying in the house and not getting evicted like we'd been told originally. Still -- I was proud of myself because I held my head high and knew this would have usually sent me spiraling down into the pit of despair.
It wasn't until Saturday when I went home for the weekend that things got out of hand. As I've mentioned before, my father is... Not always the nicest person and I have a lot of problems with my self esteem and mood because of him. As I've mentioned prior to this for anyone who has read, he does not like spending money on medical needs.
We ended up getting me an MRI earlier this summer to ensure my headaches weren't anything serious and we got the bill that day. His mood immediately went from happy and carefree to "I'm the God-Damned Big, Bad Wolf and I'm going to blow your mother fucking house down" in a matter of seconds. Immediately he began to indirectly ram into me and I knew it was directed towards me even if he didn't say it. It was clear in his tone and how he carried himself.
"How are we even going to pay for this now? No pedicures today. (Mom interjected to say she had the whole day planned out and it wasn't a problem.) NO, we aren't going. We don't have the money for fun spending anymore. We're done and we've only got $1,000 dollars in the savings account so after that we're fucked."
I don't remember too much because I honestly think my mind went elsewhere in that moment and I ran upstairs to the bathroom so I could get ready to go on the errands we were running but also to cry in private. It wasn't until later that I found out my mom had tried to get my dad to apologize and he said no.
Of course I didn't handle this well. The man has always told me that I'm selfish, never going to amount to anything and once was so bold to tell me "I didn't think you'd ever have a job" because he thought that was the right way to tell me he was proud of me. I tried my best to stay okay after this but it was too hard. I was too far gone by that point and what happened next didn't help matters at all.
To Be Continued in Next Post
~ Rosie
I suffer from depression/Bipolar - At least, that's what we think. I'm one of those lucky ducks that doesn't fit into a specific category. So for simplicity's sake we'll just say I can get incredibly moody sometimes though I've got a pretty great control of it compared to my years as a child.
Anytime I suffer a depressive episode it's never anything too huge and I pretty much bounce back shortly after it starts.
Well, this time's a bit different. It started on Saturday the 25th and it hasn't stopped. I don't think I can remember a time when I've been subsequently depressed over the course of a few days. To be honest; I'm not even sure if I've ever experienced a prolonged episode of mopiness.
It was triggered earlier in the week but I kept my head high as I was actually feeling pretty good despite the stressors I had experienced. First of all I was told I couldn't get funding from DVR (Department for Vocational Rehabilitation) because my parents make too much. I'd been told before that they could pay for part of my tuition with school and we'd been holding out hope for it. I was kind of expecting that so it wasn't too big of a deal. Pretty stress inducing because I knew I wouldn't get free money but still nothing I couldn't handle.
Then I found out a roommate who has been nothing but cruel to me and the reason I almost flunked out of college my first semester at this school (they made me incredibly uncomfortable in my own house and I was so anxious anytime I left my room) was actually going to be staying in the house and not getting evicted like we'd been told originally. Still -- I was proud of myself because I held my head high and knew this would have usually sent me spiraling down into the pit of despair.
It wasn't until Saturday when I went home for the weekend that things got out of hand. As I've mentioned before, my father is... Not always the nicest person and I have a lot of problems with my self esteem and mood because of him. As I've mentioned prior to this for anyone who has read, he does not like spending money on medical needs.
We ended up getting me an MRI earlier this summer to ensure my headaches weren't anything serious and we got the bill that day. His mood immediately went from happy and carefree to "I'm the God-Damned Big, Bad Wolf and I'm going to blow your mother fucking house down" in a matter of seconds. Immediately he began to indirectly ram into me and I knew it was directed towards me even if he didn't say it. It was clear in his tone and how he carried himself.
"How are we even going to pay for this now? No pedicures today. (Mom interjected to say she had the whole day planned out and it wasn't a problem.) NO, we aren't going. We don't have the money for fun spending anymore. We're done and we've only got $1,000 dollars in the savings account so after that we're fucked."
I don't remember too much because I honestly think my mind went elsewhere in that moment and I ran upstairs to the bathroom so I could get ready to go on the errands we were running but also to cry in private. It wasn't until later that I found out my mom had tried to get my dad to apologize and he said no.
Of course I didn't handle this well. The man has always told me that I'm selfish, never going to amount to anything and once was so bold to tell me "I didn't think you'd ever have a job" because he thought that was the right way to tell me he was proud of me. I tried my best to stay okay after this but it was too hard. I was too far gone by that point and what happened next didn't help matters at all.
To Be Continued in Next Post
~ Rosie
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