Attention: This is a rant!

So, I don't normally do anything like this (rant, that is), but I really need to. My dad was tolerable recently but he's snapped back to his usual, asshole-ish ways. He doesn't understand chronic illness or illness that's invisible, so I'm sure those of you who have this happen often can totally relate to what I'm about to talk about.

So, I'm taking a class that is literally about 45-50 minutes away and it is twice a week. I was doing really well at first, and was really excited (still am) but with all that is going on with our neighbor/family friend in the hospital still and this God-awful heat, I'm just suffering with my POTS more so than usual (our neighbor isn't awake yet, by the way, it's been two weeks. We keep getting good signs, and she smiled at her daughter, but then we go with days of no response. It's been hard for everyone).

Because we were told last week, she might not wake up (now we aren't sure, they just switched to using the term 'if' instead of 'when'), I freaked out. I don't handle this sort of thing well at all, probably a lot worse than the average person due to my anxiety I have. As you can imagine, my POTS symptoms went crazy spastic and I wanted to cry. I talked with my instructor, and she said just to keep her updated and that missing the class last week wouldn't count against me for which I'm thankful. I still need to contact her to let her know I can't be there tonight.

I also have to do my own grocery shopping now, because my parents (while I do appreciate them shopping for me), would always take creative liberty with the things I asked for, getting something else instead that is different than what I asked for because it was 'close enough'. I can't eat certain things due to my health, and they don't do the best job with getting Gluten Free for me either, so I had to take over this. I am also doing volunteer work for an hour in the morning, which takes a lot out of me. Based on the spoon theory, I go through A LOT of spoons in the morning, and today I just went through them all.

The past few days, I've had a HORRIBLE headache. This heat and stress is just piling up, and I even have a huge knot in my neck that needs to be worked out. I feel sick and miserable, and after having to go grocery shopping tonight as well as to other places for my siblings, I just couldn't get myself to drive another 50 minutes to go to a class for a few hours, then drive home. I don't think it'd be safe for me to do so either, as I've passed out driving when I get this bad.

I get home, feeling proud of myself for keeping my groceries within 50 dollars given that I have to eat gluten free, and that I was able to coupon as well. I was elated, but my dad just had to stomp all of that.

I start putting groceries away, obviously in a daze because of my headache and POTS symptoms (I think I'm a little dehydrated too), and I hear him go, "You better hurry if you don't want to be late to your class".

I have explained COUNTLESS of times, to him, that I don't like being told to do things. I understand he means well, but he doesn't act like it. He gets incredibly rude and bossy as well as act like a child when he thinks he's being disrespected. I don't want to be reminded to go to a class when I'm an adult, and know how to handle myself. On top of that, I'd already told them that I probably couldn't go today because I had to get food and my head was really hurting.

So I had to explain again, I'm not going, I'm going back Wednesday because I've done too much today. I feel terrible, to which he replies, "This is the third class you've missed. I didn't pay all that money just so you could skip class".

This makes me want to cry and I somewhat snapped at him, which made him shut up. I said, "I didn't ask to get sick, I didn't ask to get a headache. It's not my choice." I have to wonder how many others end up saying this when they get frustrated with someone? Because it is true. You do get to choose what you do in a day, yes, but you didn't ask for this illness. Who would want it? I had to choose buying food because I had no food in the house for me to eat and no other time to go shopping for it. Food > Class was what I went with. You have to weigh your options when you suffer from chronic illness, and decide what's best for that day. I know now, that driving 50 minutes away for a class is too much for me, and I won't be doing it again even though I really want to take the second class. I know my limits, and I'm still learning them. It's going to be trial and error, but I get too upset over it because my dad doesn't realize how much this takes a toll on me.

He is one to talk, though, because when he gets home from running errands (and he has NO chronic illness), all he wants to do is plop himself down in front of an electronic and ignore all the other plans he'd had made that night (which usually isn't anything, because he doesn't really have a social life). He will tell my mom and the rest of us that he's too tired to do anything for us, and needs to relax. He doesn't do anything around the house except work a job he hates from home, while playing on the computer the entire time. This bothers me immensely. I used to work and go out for that job, I would go to school (and am going back to school this fall), I have a chronic illness that makes it hard for me to do things, and yet, he sits there claiming he's 'too exhausted' to even take the dogs out to use the restroom? He makes us do that, even though he's already right there. He calls us from all the way upstairs, to come down and let them out for him when he's sitting playing his game.

I cannot stand this. I do more around this house than he does, and I try to do it too, even when I have an illness preventing me from doing so. He has no excuse and I don't appreciate how he treats me because of my illness. He tries to say that I have nothing to compare to him, because he works all day, and all I do is sit around the house doing nothing. I have an ILLNESS. I sit around because I can't do much else! Do you think I really want to sit in my room all day? I want to go out with friends! But I have to cancel or leave early at times, because I'll be in too much pain or too tired to continue on with what we're doing. He has nothing to compare to me, because I've also worked shitty and stressful jobs that I hated just as much as he hates this one. He thinks that because he's the older adult and the 'breadwinner' he gets to act like a King and be treated like one.

My mom is at least understanding of my limitations and asks me first if I can do something rather than tell me. I do what I can around the house, when I'm able to, and that's all you can ask of me. I just want him to learn and respect that I do have limitations, and he can't get upset with me for having them.

I suppose that's the end of that rant for today, I don't really like complaining or being mean/rude about other people, but I needed to get this off of my chest.

I hope you all are doing well, and are enjoying the summer weather!

- Rosie

Lots and Lots of Feel Good Feels

So, I'm feeling rather inspirational tonight and I'm in a really happy mood for some reason, so I thought I'd share some of my personal outlooks on life. I USUALLY have these, but just like anyone, I go through down periods of sorrow due to depression.

Before we get into my preaching of positivity, I'd like to take the moment to update you all on our dear friend in the hospital. She seems to be doing A LOT better. Opened her eyes today, but still not awake. They were able to keep her off sedation all day, and the antibiotics are working slowly but surely. It's all we know for now, aside from the fact that her ECG was NORMAL. Which is amazing news given what she has.

But anyways! Let's get on with my happy and sappy post, and hopefully it'll at least provide positive feels for at least one person.

Let's start with how I personally look at life. 

For the longest time, I was negative. I used to be the person who'd be called "Negative Nelly" but in return would counter with, "I'm not negative, I'm just a realist". This is not true. There are still some things that I will think realistically about, and not negatively, but most of the time I'm just happy. It took me a long time, but I finally realized something: Everything REALLY does happen for a reason, and I've been experiencing that first hand. I'd always be told that after dark days, would come a rainbow but I never agreed. I'd been so far down, and just didn't think it was possible. Now, however, I see that as truth. Getting my disability of POTS and all of the other things that happened at that point in time, allowed me to really examine my life and realize the direction I wanted to go with schooling. Not only that, but it got me INTO the college I always wanted to go to.

SERIOUSLY. THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON. YOU JUST HAVE TO TRUST THAT EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY. REALLY. IT GETS BETTER.

Out of all of this, came my lovely little saying and motto that I personally live by DAILY.

"IF IT HAPPENS, IT HAPPENS AND WAS MEANT TO BE. IF IT DOESN'T, IT DOESN'T AND WASN'T FOR ME."

I've wasted too many hours of my life worrying about what could be and what might not be, and realized that negativity really just takes too much energy. I try to be happy about everything, and I'm trying to help others see this.

Such as waiting in the doctor's office. If they're running behind (and trust me, they will be, they always do), my mom gets really upset and starts grumbling. I keep telling her, "Why? Why grumble? Why feel so upset? It's not going to change anything. It's just how things are. It takes more energy to be upset, than to just not care".

We spend too much time worrying about things that aren't important, and getting upset over doing taxes, or paying bills... The thing is, while it IS stressful, it's a part of life. It's not something you can change, and I think that you should try your best to just be HAPPY with what you have. You can't change how stupid insurance can be sometimes, or the fact that you pay bills. These are really just facts of life, things that you won't ever be able to avoid (unless you go totally nomad and just live off the land, wandering freely without any care in the world, but I know that's not the choice of most. Haha. But there's nothing wrong with any life style.).

I think, and this is my personal opinion, you should just let it go! Understand that these things are there, and won't change (unless by some miracle they do), and just accept it. You'd be much happier, and less stressed.

I still have yet to figure out how to be happy about going to work... But I do my best to find little things that make me smile there, when I had a job. It really got me through the day, and also thinking about what I had too and what this job would bring me.

I think that if the world was a little more positive in the way we thought, that people might actually be HAPPIER.

But that's just my personal opinion, so I'll get off my soap box and stop preaching. Haha.

I hope you all have a good night, and are well~

- Rosie

Hard Times Made Harder

I don't want to spend too much time on this, and I was meaning to get into an actual post on here, but I don't know when I can.

On the bright side, I've started my ASL class and had a wonderful situation yesterday where, before my class started, I was at the mall and encountered a woman. She apologized, thinking she'd bumped into me, but really, she hadn't. I said it was okay, but she didn't seem to hear me and instead did something that looked like a sign. I got excited, thinking, "I can't possibly be meeting with someone who uses sign language so soon!" but I had! It turns out, as the woman told me, she was deaf! And I explained to her I knew very little sign language and I was able to communicate with her. It was amazing! I felt so elated, and the class that followed was wonderful!

Well, I woke up today with full intentions of going to the gym to swim and work out, and get back on track with my health... But fate had something else in mind.

I woke up to my mom telling me that a family friend and neighbor of 11 years was in the hospital after having been found unresponsive. As they have discovered today, she has bacterial meningitis and a brain infection.

I'd always heard horrible things about this illness, but I didn't ever think it'd hit so close to home. She seems to be doing a fraction of a bit better than this morning. She still hasn't woken up at all, but now they have her sedated. It's a waiting game, to see how things go, and I'm hoping she's going to be alright. I know that there will more than likely be some side effects, due to how bad her case is, but I'm sure she can get through it. She's a wonderfully strong woman and super sweet! She's been there for so long, I just want to see her be okay.

I have to get going, though, to get ready for tomorrow's class, so this was just a quick little update.

I hope all of you are well~

- Rosie