Hey guys. I guess I'm not going to be reliable with trying to post weekly. Maybe now that it's the summer I can find the time to do it, but I won't make any promises. I just had to write something right now because I needed to get it off my chest.
I keep pushing myself too hard with my POTS but I can't help it. I don't have the financial support I need to be able to relax and not do anything on the days I need to. I took tomorrow off of work because I have to go back home for a bit but also because I've spread myself way, way, way too thin. I think I used up the spoons I had for this entire week by Monday evening and today's only Wednesday.
All I did was go back to work for a few hours and start volunteering at a nursing home that I had to walk to. All things that would make someone tired, yes, but not to the extent it does for someone with POTS. It doesn't help that, and TMI here, it's that time of the month. I'm sure any woman with POTS can relate to how nasty symptoms can get when you're dealing with your natural cycle.
I'm just so frustrated because I need to be able to afford living on my own, but I don't have the capability of working as much as I need to. No one really understands just how hard this is, but my DVR counselor (someone who is from the state and working with me to help me become employable with a disability) gave me something that should help start an open communication with my doctor about my conditions and limitations.
I've never been the type to listen when someone tells me to take it easy. I just get this undeniable need to keep going and going and going.
I think I might have learned my lesson fully tonight because I spent yesterday working and going home with my mom to pick up the car then came home to do laundry all night before sleeping. Had to wake up at 9:20 am which for me with POTS, is the equivalent of waking up at five in the morning in terms of how I feel. Then I was out and about doing a lot of running around until 4 PM tonight. I also had to get my blood drawn and forgot to eat which only made it worse. Came home for a small break and then went off to volunteer for a few hours.
I know it sounds like the typical day for someone but this just drains me. As I'm typing this my eyes are blurry and unfocused, my head is pounding and my neck is aching. I feel nauseous and exhausted so I'm going to be heading to bed.
I'm just mad at myself for not listening to my body and giving it the rest that it needs. I'm frustrated with my support system (who is AMAZING. Don't get me wrong! Mom and dad just bought me an entirely new bed!) for not understanding something that they couldn't possibly know unless they experienced it themselves.
I may have found a doctor, though, who knows about POTS and can help me. We'll see, though!
In happier news: Despite all of my problems and struggles I had this semester.... I passed all of my classes with B's!!!! I'd say that's a pretty great accomplishment, all things considered. I'm going to be working on myself this summer (and losing weight hopefully, because of doctor's orders) so here's to the start of a hopefully wonderful summer break!
To everyone, good night and farewell until next time~ Hang in there!
- Rosie xoxo
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